Maria Roth
I love popcorn, cashews, cheesecake, Jane Austen, my husband and children, and Conan O'Brien. Why should you be jealous of me? I am double-jointed in both thumbs, I live in Kansas, I'm tall, and I'm modest (and brilliant).
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- Page Views
- 424,922
- Content
- 166
- Fans
- 280
- Contributor since
- 7/27/2008
Education/Experience
B.A. English/Creative Writing from The University of KansasInterests
Reading, writing, parenting, humor, lovesick vampires, movies, vegetarian cooking, childhood cancer awareness, caring for child w/leukemiaMotto
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Displaying Results 1 - 166 (of 166) for All Content
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Lessons Learned from My First Garage SaleMy Successful Garage Sale/Fundraiser: My garage sale/fundraiser was on the Friday and Saturday before Labor Day, and despite the 95-degree heat, we raised $720.
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10 Things that Make Me HappyPictures of things that make me feel happy. (Glimpses of Maria's Summer, 2011) -
A Perfect Mother's DayMother's Day...I wake up. My alarm didn't go off and my daughter didn't yell in my ear to wake me up. No, for once, I wake up when my body is ready to wake up. I feel more rested than I've felt in ten years, before I was pregnant for the first time... -
Audrey's Rules for a Fun, Cool, Awesome Indoor Easter Egg HuntEaster Egg Hunt Advice from a 6-Year-Old. Follow Audrey's rules for a fun, cool, awesome Easter egg hunt in your own home. Happy Easter! -
The Hunger Games Vs. Twilight: Which Books Are Better?Let's compare The Hunger Games trilogy and the Twilight saga: Katniss vs. Bella; Peeta vs. Edward; Suzanne Collins vs. Stephenie Meyer. -
Bad PandaNow that Google has improved the quality of our search results with its recent algorithm change, known as the "Panda" or "Farmer" update, we can all rest easier knowing that my low-quality Associated Content articles will never be viewed again. -
Prom Memories, 1994-1995: the Prom that Changed My Life"My Unforgettable Skipping-Prom Story" and my memories of the two high school proms I attended in 1994 and 1995. Sometimes it's best to skip prom and do something better... -
Growing Up in the 1980s: Things My Kids Should Know About My Childhood (Part 4)My favorite 1980s video games, computer games and board games. And what was so different about playgrounds and outdoor playtime in the 1980s? -
Growing Up in the 1980s: Things My Kids Should Know About My Childhood (Part 3)1980s Toys and Collectibles: Transformers, Gobots, Pound Puppies, Cabbage Patch Kids, Garbage Pail Kids, my awesome sticker collection, California Raisins, and more. -
Growing Up in the 1980s: Things My Kids Should Know About My Childhood (Part 2)My favorite '80s cartoons, sitcoms, music videos, and books...and a few embarrassing confessions. -
Growing Up in the 1980s: Things My Kids Should Know About My Childhood (Part 1)"When I was your age, Ronald Reagan was President, but Michael Jackson ruled." There are so many things I want to tell my kids about my childhood in the totally awesome '80s. Here I discuss my favorite 1980s movies and much more. -
Answers to Questions I Had While Reading Stieg Larsson's The Girl with the Dragon TattooIn the course of reading Stieg Larsson's 'The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo' and the other books in his popular 'Millenium' trilogy, I had some questions about Swedish culture. Here is what I learned. -
2011 Blizzard in Kansas City (Photos Taken in Shawnee, KS)A blizzard hit Kansas City on February 1, 2011. Here are a few pictures taken around my house on February 2. The snow is at least a foot deep in most spots, with some snow drifts closer to two feet. -
Am I Too Old to Go Sledding?"Or Do I Just Suck at Sledding? Or Does Sledding Just Suck?" Here's what happened when I went sledding with my husband and children last weekend. -
5 Stupid Reasons Why I've Been Putting Off Going to the Doctor"A Pep Talk I Wrote for Myself (Schedule that Doctor's Appointment Today, Dummy!)" Here are my top five stupid reasons why I've been putting off going to the doctor, and responses from my pain-in-the-butt "higher self."
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Fun, Cheap Winter Craft Project for Kids: Pipe-Cleaner PenguinsNeed a cheap, no-mess winter craft for kids? Follow these steps to create cute penguins, made entirely of pipe cleaners and stick-on googly eyes. These pipe-cleaner penguins can easily be turned into Christmas ornaments or Valentine's Day decorations. -
Three Days After ChristmasA more realistic holiday poem, loosely based on Clement C. Moore's beloved classic, "The Night Before Christmas." -
My Family's Exhilarating, Exhausting "Wish" Week in Orlando, FloridaHow my family spent one week in Orlando, Florida. Give Kids the World Village, SeaWorld, Universal Studios, Cocoa Beach and Walt Disney World Highlights.
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How Dream Factory and Give Kids the World Village Made My Child's Walt Disney World Wish Come TrueMy 5-year-old daughter, who is currently in treatment for leukemia, wanted to visit Walt Disney World. Here is how Dream Factory and Give Kids the World Village made her wish come true.
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How to Make Pipe-Cleaner Penguins (Slideshow with Instructions)Fun & cheap winter, Christmas or Valentine's Day craft for kids. This slideshow illustrates how to make penguins with pipe cleaners and stick-on googly eyes, and also shows how to make holiday accessories for your penguin with pipe cleaners.
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Where Did Mommy Hide My Christmas Presents?Mom and Dad can't possibly expect you to wait till Christmas morning to find out what you got. It's torture! Don't you wish you knew all their secret hiding places? Here I share all my best Christmas-present-hiding secrets with you.
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Character Pictures from Disney World, Universal Studios and Give Kids the World VillageSure-to-make-you-smile pictures of my family with costumed friends from Disney World, Universal Studios and Give Kids the World Village in Florida.
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2010 Christmas Decorations in Walt Disney World (Pictures)Pictures of Christmas trees, decorations, and lights in Disney World (from all four parks), taken in November 2010. You might see some pictures of my smiling family, too.
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You'll Never Guess Where I'm GoingA happy poem about my family's upcoming dream vacation.
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Hair Regrowth After Chemo: Audrey's New Hair (and New Identity?)If you're a 5-year-old girl (a female cancer patient, in this instance) with short hair, most people will assume you're a boy. Here are a few "hair-raising" true stories/adventures of the formerly hairless.
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Best Christmas 2010 Gifts for LEGO LoversFun birthday or Christmas presents for LEGO maniacs of all ages. Hot LEGO sets this Christmas 2010, and much more.
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Edward Jacoberg: a Horror StoryA short, funny horror story. "Ben wasn't a vampire or werewolf, or both, like the hero of her book, but Anna didn't hold that against him."
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Happy Remission Day, Audrey MaeOctober 6, 2009 was the day we found out that my daughter was in remission. Today Audrey celebrates one year in remission.
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My Pet Silverfish, and Silverfish Facts You Probably Don't Want to KnowAre you interested in the eating habits and life expectancy of silverfish? Why not? Have you ever had a pet silverfish with superpowers?
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What Do the Contents of My Purse Reveal About Me?"A Peek Inside Maria's Handbag (and Soul)"
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Common Bad Habits of Average Computer UsersThese common bad habits and annoying practices of average computer users drive IT professionals crazy. Improve your computer habits right now to avoid big problems in the future.
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Can Oprah Help Us Cure Childhood Cancers?September is National Childhood Cancer Awareness Month. Learn how you can raise awareness and support cures for childhood cancers. And let's convince Oprah Winfrey to do a show on childhood cancer!
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A Dorky Poem Inspired by Our New AC Contributor Profile PagesPeekaboo, I see you--in all your high-resolution glory!
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Reflections on My Child's First Year of Cancer Treatment: Finding the Bright Side of LifeWhenever I forget to be hopeful, joyful, and grateful right now, my daughter, who has been in treatment for leukemia for one year, and the amazing children I've met at the Hematology/Oncology clinic in Children's Mercy Hospital remind me.
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First Year of Leukemia Treatment: Audrey's Journey (in Pictures)These pictures tell the story of 4-year-old Audrey's first year of cancer treatment. Audrey was diagnosed with T-cell acute lymphoblastic leukemia on September 1, 2009.
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How My 8-Year-Old Son Plans to Buy a Ferrari when He Turns 16Zach's Seven Easy Steps to Ferrari Ownership
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Tron Joins My List of "Movies that Put Me to Sleep"My husband still believes that Tron is a good movie; he can't wait to see Tron: Legacy! I decided to re-watch the original Tron movie, just to verify that it sucks.
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Analyzing My Most Popular "Associated Content from Yahoo!" Articles (Why Do These Articles Have so Many Page Views?)"My top 5 AC articles, and how my most boring AC article has earned over ??? page views." Here are my most popular "Associated Content from Yahoo!" articles--my highest PV-earners. Perhaps we'll uncover some truly amazing Page View Secrets!
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It's Time to Write an AC (Yahoo!) Article When..I always know when it's time to write another AC (Yahoo!) article. I start to get restless, and the words rush out of me, and I end up with an article like this one--honest, sad, and funny.
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Summer Wedding Memories: My Dream Wedding in Kansas City - August 5, 2000Here's everything you ever wanted to know about my lovely, hot summer wedding in Kansas City on August 5, 2000. We were married in Salem Lutheran Church in Lenexa, KS, and had our reception at the Harris House in Linwood, KS.
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My Summer Wedding in Kansas City - August 5, 2000Pictures of my summer wedding in Kansas City, August 5, 2000. Wedding ceremony at Salem Lutheran Church in Lenexa, KS; wedding reception at the Harris House in Linwood, KS. Happy 10th Anniversary, Dan!
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Fuzzy (A Poem for My Amazing Daughter)A poem about hair loss from cancer treatment--and hope.
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The Twilight Saga: Eclipse Movie: Most Anticipated ScenesTo get ready for The Twilight Saga: Eclipse movie, which opens June 30th, I reread Stephenie Meyer's Eclipse and picked out the four scenes I'm most looking forward to seeing portrayed in the new film.
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Interpreting Comments Left on Associated Content ArticlesIf there's one thing I've learned in my almost two years on AC, it's how to leave good comments and how to encourage other people to leave good comments on my articles. Most generic comments mean one of three things...
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Excerpts from yet Another Rejected Romance NovelA mind-blowing tale of love, loss, and balloon animals.
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A Serious Article About Being FunnySometimes the pressure to write funny articles starts to get to me...and sometimes I think I've forgotten how to be funny. But that can't be true. I've just had a lot of unfunny stuff happen lately, that's all.
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Happy Birthday, Audrey! You're Awesome, Zach!Poems for my children, Zach and Audrey, on Audrey's 5th birthday.
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How Asthma-like Symptoms Led to My Child's Cancer DiagnosisThis is the story of my child's cancer diagnosis--the symptoms that led to her leukemia diagnosis, and the immediate aftermath.
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Page-View Poison: the Final ChapterThis will be my last "Page-View Poison" article, partially because the page views keep dropping, but mostly because my heart isn't in it. Don't be sad (or glad). I'm not leaving AC, no matter how much you beg.
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Not Exactly a Health Insurance Horror StoryWhat's it like, when a family member has cancer and the health insurance claims start piling up? Here's my own story. I believe the current health insurance reform bill is a step in the right direction.
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A St. Patrick's Day Rant (Not Necessarily About St. Patrick's Day)This St. Patrick's Day, I'm aware that there are lots of people having lots of fun in their silly green hats and shamrock-shaped glasses. Good for them. Here's my weak St. Patrick's Day rant. More of a whine than a rant.
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"Lost" Final Episode: the Ridiculous, Rejected ScriptWhat will happen on the final episode of "Lost"? Probably not this!
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Why I'm Not an AC HottieI know I should be happy with my "Top 1000" star and PMA badge, but, darn it, I'd really like to be an AC hottie. I don't need to be a "Hot 100" hottie; just give me a "Hot 500" badge for one measly month, and I'll never complain again, I swear.
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Mommy's Day OutMy assignment is simple: "Go out and have a good time...Don't just run errands." This is my true story: two hours of freedom (sadness and smiles).
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Page-View Poison: Why I Love My DVR and Collaborative Fiction on ACI wonder, "How do people without DVRs watch The Olympics?" I also share some page-view love and reveal the eagerly-awaited next chapter in my trashy story (I didn't write it, so you know it must be good!).
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My First Time Giving Blood and Why I Will Try to Donate Blood AgainMy church recently organized a blood drive in honor of my daughter, who has needed several blood transfusions since starting treatment for leukemia. I'd never given blood before. Here is my personal experience.
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Grocery Sackers, Before They Fell in LoveA cheesy poem for my husband. Happy Valentine's Day, Dan! We met at work, when we were sixteen and seventeen-year-old grocery sackers. Don't miss my "Notes from a Former Grocery Sacker" after the poem.
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AC Testimonial: I Wanted to Earn Money Writing Online, and Found Something Even Better Than Money at Associated ContentMost of us join Associated Content to earn extra money, but what we find - in addition to the money, whether it's $3 or $300 a month - is an incredibly special, supportive, diverse community of Contributors.
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Page-View Poison: Drowning in AC Publication Notices, Strippers, Boy BandsPlease tell me how you manage to read all your favorite AC Contributors' work and still find time to write. Then, why don't you help me finish this "trashy" short story? We'll also denigrate a couple of boy bands and spread some page-view love...
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Looking for Quality Web Content to Steal? Here's Your Free GiftOh, no, your quality web content was stolen! There are many ways to combat content theft. This article demonstrates a controversial (stupid) method: Give away your crappy web content to content thieves for free!
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Page-View Poison: AC is Awesome, and so is Audrey (But NBC Sucks)After the amazing week I just had, I have absolutely, positively nothing to gripe about! Well, maybe just one thing...(I love you, Conan! I'll always love you!)
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2009 PMA Acceptance Speech: Content of the YearMy PMA-winning article, "Coping with a Child's Cancer Diagnosis and Treatment: What Has Helped Me," was harder to write than I thought it would be...This award really belongs to my daughter, Audrey. THANK YOU!
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Secrets of a Somewhat Sorta Successful Associated Content ContributorIf I can pick up 100,000 page views on Associated Content, anyone can! Here are the secrets of my *truly remarkable* success on AC.
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Page-View Poison: Illiterate Babies, a Trashy Story, and Alcoholic PoetryIt's a Pity Page-View Fest! I also complain about babies who can read and share Part 1 of a very trashy story, created in part by my fellow AC contributors. Get your weekly dose of poison right now!
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Page-View PoisonI've decided to kick off 2010 with a fabulous new weekly column on AC called "Page-View Poison." My hope is that "Page-View Poison" is an ironic title for what turns out to be a wildly successful series of articles.
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An Afternoon with Maria and Audrey at Children's Mercy Hospital in Kansas CityI've spent the majority of the last two weeks at Children's Mercy Hospital in downtown Kansas City, Missouri, with my four-year-old daughter, Audrey. Don't freak out! She's doing all right!
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Merry Christmas to the Amazing AC Community!This year has changed me forever, and you, my loyal readers, have stuck with me through it all. Do you have any idea how much I appreciate you? Happy Holidays to all of my AC friends!
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Nominating Our Favorite AC Contributors for PMA's is Fun and EasyI don't know a single AC Contributor who wouldn't like to win a 2009 People's Media Award. Have you nominated your favorite AC Contributors yet? It's easy!
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Why Weren't Any Famous People Born on My Birthday?"My Depraved Search for a Celebrity Birthday-Buddy." I'm on a mission to find a famous person who was born on my birthday--the exact month, day, and year. It's not as easy as it sounds...
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Laughing, and Giving Thanks for 2009, the Best (?) Year of My LifeSeptember, October, and November of 2009 have been the hardest months of my life. But I have many, MANY things to celebrate this Thanksgiving. Please join me in giving thanks!
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Coping With a Child's Cancer Diagnosis and Treatment: What Has Helped MeMaria Roth's essay on her daughter's cancer treatments is a 2009 PMA winner for best content. Other winners will be featured in this spot through the weekend.
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Thanksgiving Haiku: Turkey-less FeastMy turkey-less Thanksgiving haiku. How will I save time AND turkeys this Thanksgiving?
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The Swine Flu DiariesMy daughter and I recently had H1N1 flu (swine flu). I already wrote about it in a shorter article, "My Personal Experience with H1N1 Flu," but here's the entire story. What happens when a child undergoing treatment for leukemia gets H1N1 flu?
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My Personal Experience with H1N1 FluHere's what I know about H1N1 flu (swine flu)--symptoms, complications, effectiveness of Tamiflu, etc.--based on my own experience and my daughter's experience. My daughter's H1N1 flu adventure was more dramatic, but didn't last as long as mine.
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Jealous of Other, More Successful AC Contributors?There's no need to be jealous of the AC contributors who have millions of page views...right? Our success at Associated Content can't be measured in page views alone. "Clout level, schmout level"--that's what I say!
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NormalAnother poem for Audrey, my four-year-old daughter who is undergoing treatment for leukemia.
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A Telepathic Interview with Frank MucciFrank Mucci is the sweetest guy I know. Learn more about one of AC's nicest, smartest contributors right here, free of charge! I guarantee you'll click the thumbs-up button when you're done!
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What to Do when Frank Mucci Steals Your AC Article IdeaFrank Mucci deserves this article. Don't forget to click the thumbs-up when you're done reading!
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A Letter to My Daughter's CancerDear Mr. Leukemia, I'm writing to you on behalf of my daughter, Audrey. She doesn't give you a second thought, but I've been thinking about you quite a bit. I met you many years ago when I was in high school--you killed my grandfather...
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Hire Your Very Own AC-Article-Reading Professional--Cheap!Reading and leaving comments on hundreds of AC articles every day is a drag. Let ACARP do all the hard work for you so you can get back to writing more cruddy AC articles!
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A Scary Story for AC Worthy of a $30 "Prize"This almost-true story involves Crazy AC and the so-called "prize" being offered to the winner of the current Scary Story Contest. (Also, thank you to everyone who is praying for Audrey. You guys are awesome!)
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One PreciousMy 4-year-old daughter was diagnosed with leukemia last week. I wrote this poem in her hospital room, with the help of some pigeons (I think they might be angels in disguise).
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What Can I Buy Instead of "American Idols Live! Tour 2009" Tickets?The ticket prices for the American Idols Live! Tour 2009 are outrageous! Here I provide a step-by-step money-wasting guide for people who would like to support the "American Idol" franchise by buying LOTS of stuff instead of 2 measly concert tickets.
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Why I Think The Twilight Saga: New Moon Movie is Going to SuckIn order to preserve what's left of my dignity, I have to assume (or at least pretend to assume) that "The Twilight Saga: New Moon" movie is going to suck.
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My Worst (Funny) Camping ExperienceSummer of 1987...Mom and Dad still liked camping in those days, so we packed two tents into the trunk of my mom's silver 1986 Volkswagen Jetta (the car that would later become my first car) and drove out to this secluded campground in Missouri...
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Movie Review: Funny People (2009)I highly recommend Judd Apatow's new film, Funny People, starring Adam Sandler and Seth Rogen. Funny People is the most touching friendship story I've seen in a long time.
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A Little Forbidden Love: Flash Fiction Contest EntryFlash fiction contest entry. A married woman dreams of an old boyfriend.
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Memorable Gifts for Mommy"The Unexpected Perks of Parenthood: Breakfast in Bed, Halloween in July, and More!" My kids know what I like. Check out all these presents they've given me in the last month alone...
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Best Television Show of the 80s: Who's the Boss?Who's the Boss? is my favorite television show of the 1980s. Why do I love this show so much? Read this article to find out.
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Angel and Edward Cullen Discuss Love, Fame, and Sucky Vampire StuffHere's what happened when Angel (of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" fame) and Twilight's Edward Cullen met in a dark alleyway. Angel vs. Edward Cullen: Who's sexier? Who's tougher? Who's smarter? Who would make a better astronaut?
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One Year on Associated Content: What I've Learned About Writing for ACJuly 27, 2009 marks my one-year anniversary as a "Source" on AC. Here's what I know about getting page views, fans, subscribers, and comments on AC, based on my own experience.
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Maria's Road Trip to the Rockies, Part 6: Estes Park to Kansas CityJoin me and Dan as we tour the Argo Gold Mill in Idaho Springs, CO, and spend the night in Hays, Kansas. Time to go home!
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Maria's Road Trip to the Rockies, Part 5: More Rocky Mountain National ParkToday is our last full day in Estes Park, Colorado. All the hiking we did yesterday in Rocky Mountain National Park didn't kill us, so let's go back for more! We'll explore Sprague Lake and Dream Lake.
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Maria's Road Trip to the Rockies, Part 4: Rocky Mountain National ParkScenic, winding Bear Lake Road leads us through a lovely Aspen and pine forest, all the way to the Bear Lake Trailhead at the end. Now we're ready to do some fun, "easy" hiking in Rocky Mountain National Park!
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Maria's Road Trip to the Rockies, Part 3: Fun Times in Estes Park, ColoradoI'm tired of waiting for the sun to come out and ready to take a tour of The Stanley Hotel in Estes Park. It's supposedly haunted, you know, and, even cooler than that, it's the hotel that inspired Stephen King to write The Shining!
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Maria's Road Trip to the Rockies, Part 2: Limon to Estes Park, ColoradoJoin me and my husband as we explore the Denver Museum of Nature and Science, shop at the Target in Boulder, and crash at Mary's Lake Lodge in Estes Park, Colorado!
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Maria's Road Trip to the Rockies, Part 1: Kansas City to Limon, ColoradoMy husband and I just got back from Colorado two days ago. Join me as I recount my road trip from Kansas City to Limon, Colorado, stopping at Abilene and Goodland, Kansas, along the way! How exciting!
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The Funniest Writers on Associated ContentThese AC writers regularly induce dangerous paroxysms of laughter.
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My Favorite Soldier's BlogA lot of American soldiers are blogging. Whether they blog to relieve stress, or to let friends and family know how they're doing, or to keep a record of every day spent away from home, soldiers have a lot to say. And I am listening.
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Cause of AC Glitches Finally Revealed!For weeks, AC Sources have hesitated to click the "publish" button. "Will this article index on Google? Will my subscribers be notified when my article is published?" we wonder. If only we could track down the person responsible for these glitches...
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Top 10 Coldplay SongsColdplay is one of my favorite bands. Here are my top ten Coldplay songs.
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What Summer Means to an Irritable MotherWhen I was a kid, I loved summer. Swimming! No school! A family vacation! A later bedtime! It didn't get any better than that. But now that I'm a mom, I have a very different understanding of what summer means.
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Which Popular Fantasy Series is Best? J.K. Rowling's Harry Potter, Stephenie Meyer's Twilight, or Philip Pullman's His Dark Materials?I recommend all three of these popular fantasy series: J.K. Rowling's Harry Potter, Stephenie Meyer's Twilight, and Philip Pullman's His Dark Materials. But which is best? Let's compare them on the Scale of Awesomeness!
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Best Kids' Birthday Party Locations in Kansas CityKansas City is a great place to throw a memorable birthday party for your child. This article compares five popular children's birthday party venues in the Kansas City area.
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Detective Mom and the Case of the Missing ShoeBased on a true story. Detective Mom to the rescue!
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How to Write Poetry for Page Views on Associated ContentA list poem, chock full of ideas for poems that will earn you a gazillion page views... if you're daring enough to write them. To all those struggling AC poets out there: This poem is for you.
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A Butterfly Cinquain About Junk Food"My Last Meal." If you think I'm leaving this Earth with a belly full of vegetables, you're sadly mistaken. This butterfly cinquain celebrates my favorite junk foods, and has nothing to do with butterflies.
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Adam Lambert Goes AcrosticADAM LAMBERT...Oh, how I love thee...Let me count the ways. Oops. This is supposed to be an acrostic poem. Okay. I can do that, too. Adam Lambert ROCKS!
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Letters to the Easter BunnyDear Mr. Easter Bunny...Are you real? Why are you so fat?
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Totally Awesome 80's PoemI LOVE the 80's! Here's my poetic jog down memory lane--back to the time when Michael Jackson and Michael J. Fox were the coolest dudes on the planet.
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Typical, Shocking "American Idol" Results ShowStarring Ryan Seacrest, Simon Cowell, Paula Abdul, Randy Jackson, and the New Judge, Kara Dingledoo (or whatever her name is)...and David Copperfield! A typical, shocking "American Idol" Results Show from the future.
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Why I'm Depressed on April Fools' DayI'm a clever, funny person, but my attempt to come up with a creative, original April Fools' Day article has left me feeling very unclever and very unfunny. Here are all my April Fools' Day article ideas that I shot down.
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The Evil PerfectionistA poem about my struggle with "The Evil Perfectionist" within me. How do I make this guy go away?
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Budget-Friendly Mother's Day Gift IdeasSpecial, Free Mother's Day Gift Ideas; Fun Gifts for Mom, Priced $20 or Less! Make this Mother's Day extra-special with these gift ideas. Some of these Mother's Day gifts won't cost you anything except time and creative effort.
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Classic Poem Reviews: "O You Whom I Often and Silently Come" and "When I Heard the Learn'd Astronomer" by Walt WhitmanThe two classic poems I have chosen to review here, in honor of National Poetry Month 2009, are quite short, painless, and perfect: Walt Whitman's "O You Whom I Often and Silently Come" and "When I Heard the Learn'd Astronomer."
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How Do You Solve a Problem like Donald Pennington?An interview with Donald Pennington is the solution to all your AC-related woes! Or not. But it sure is fun! Read about my recent interview experience here.
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The Real Story of How I Got Verified on ACHave you verified your AC account yet? Why not? Don't you like getting paid? (The AC Verification Officers are nice guys. Really.)
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Little Caesar's Pizza Now Hiring More "Hot-n-Ready" DancersDance, Pizza Man, Dance! Play That Pepperoni Pizza Guitar! The Little Caesar's Pizza shops in Johnson County, Kansas, have sunk to a new low in "live sign-holder" advertising.
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Are You the Next American Idol?Take this silly quiz to see how you compare to previous American Idols. Do you have what it takes to be the next American Idol? Of course not! But it's fun to pretend...
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My Son's Experience with Asthma and SingulairMy 7-yr-old son has taken prescription Singulair to treat his asthma and allergies for the past 5 years. This article details Zachary's experience with asthma and Singulair.
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YummySlim Diet Candy and Powerbra Present the 2009 Miss Supermom USA PageantMario and Kathie Lee host the 2009 "Miss Supermom USA" Pageant!
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Introducing...Weird New Pepsi LogosPepsiCo began introducing its new logos in October 2008. Now Pepsi has also tinkered with the Mountain Dew logo and the PepsiCo-owned Tropicana carton designs. WHY? Are these changes worth the $1.2 billion price tag?
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AC Subscription OverloadHow can I possibly read all these articles AND leave comments AND write my own articles? Help me! I have severe AC Subscription Overload!
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The Best Commercials of Super Bowl XLIIIPepsi kicked Budweiser's butt in the 2009 Super Bowl commercial "funny" department, while the overhyped 3-D ads for SoBe and "Monsters vs. Aliens" were major disappointments. Here are my picks for the best and worst 2009 Super Bowl XLIII commercials.
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A Short Love Poem for My Children20 words. Happy Valentine's Day to Zach and Audrey! Love, Mommy
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Fill-in-the-Blank Valentine's Day Poem for Lazy Men to Give Their Girlfriends or WivesLooking for the perfect way to say "I love you" to your girlfriend or wife this Valentine's Day? I've done most of the work for you. Just fill in the blanks for a unique, personalized poem sure to please your sweetheart.
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My Friend Snubbed Ryan Seacrest, Too, and Nobody Noticed!My friend, Michelle, dissed Ryan Seacrest last year, before it was the "in" thing to do, long before Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie decided to blatantly ignore the "American Idol" host.
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Dragonelf and Friends (and Swords!): a Fantasy-Romance Saga, Part 7Part 7: Princess Laurel. Who is this nasty one-eyed fairy? Will she help Seamus, Heather, and George...or turn them all into squeaky blue slorgs?
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Preposterous Moments in Stephenie Meyer's TWILIGHT SeriesWarning: This article contains lots of spoilers and irreverent observations about all four books in Stephenie Meyer's TWILIGHT series. Do you suffer from vampire-envy? Maybe this will help.
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While I'm in the ShowerMommy's midday shower. The kids haven't figured out how to pick the lock on the bathroom door yet, thank goodness.
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Dragonelf and Friends (and Swords!): a Fantasy-Romance Saga, Part 6"Part 6: Seamus' Golden Underwear" answers that age-old question: How do I wake up an elf prince who's been drugged with dragon tranquilizers?
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Letter to an Anonymous AC MillionaireHe is my chosen writer. I am his most devoted reader. This is even better than 900 trillion page views. This is true love. If only J.J. realized how much he needs me.
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Please, Please Give Me Money or Gift Cards for ChristmasA Christmas poem. My wish list is simple. Please don't give me any more perfume or knick-knacks this Christmas...PLEASE!
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Dragonelf and Friends (and Swords!): a Fantasy-Romance Saga, Part 5"Part 5: The Bridge of Melancholy Grompers" ...The dirt beneath their feet grew moister with every step. Soon they were trudging through mud, pushing through a warm, thick fog, inhaling nothing but the Grompers' rotten fish stench...
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"Ninja Warrior" on G4: Even Better Than Classic "American Gladiators""Ninja Warrior" is a very entertaining, family-friendly show that airs on G4 weeknights at 6:30 PM ET. This article lists the obstacles in each of the four stages of Ninja Warrior and includes links to video clips of the show.
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How Do You Rate on the F.R.I.E.N.D. Scale?"Fitting Room Intelligence, Etiquette, aNd Decency": A humiliating, life-altering quiz. A must-read for anyone who works in a department store. Required reading for anyone who tries on clothes in fitting rooms--this article could save your life!
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Continuation of Bat Canary's Crime Thriller: Politics and Murder, Oh My!Bat Canary started this crime thriller. Here is my attempt to add a new dimension to the main character. Some drama. Some tension between Anna and Rhodes McLellan, the reporter who knows more about the most recent murder than he lets on...
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Dragonelf and Friends (and Swords!): a Fantasy-Romance Saga, Part 4"Part 4: In Search of a Good, Raunchy Joke" Legoless reveals the secret of safe passage across the dreaded Bridge of Melancholy Grompers--a good, raunchy joke. But Seamus doesn't know any good jokes! What will he do?!
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Dragonelf and Friends (and Swords!): a Fantasy-Romance Saga, Part 3"Part 3: A Fellowship of Freaks" Smoke some bubbleweed, chew some Hoar hare jerky, and hold on to your silvercockles! Seamus and Heather are not alone in the James Woods...
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AC Assignment Ideas that Don't Suck, Stink, or BlowDon't get me wrong. I love AC. Seriously. But I think we could all use some cooler "Assignments." Here are ten Assignments (formerly called "C4C's") that will truly inspire you.
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Dragonelf and Friends (and Swords!): a Fantasy-Romance Saga, Part 2"Part 2: A Night in the Ghastly Belly of James Woods"...The barbarians who wanted to behead Seamus were too drunk to walk in a straight line, but they'd still managed to sniff out the elf and young woman's trail, with much cursing and axe-clashing...
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Dragonelf and Friends (and Swords!): a Fantasy-Romance Saga, Part 1"Part One: Barbarian Surprise" ...Seamus was immune to spells cast by cute maids' butts. Dragonelf blood flowed through his veins. Aidan Dragonelf, the rightful king of Poshollow and the Talking Trees, was his father; Dreamweaver was his sword...
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Writer's Block? No, Thank YouI don't have writer's block. I don't believe in writer's block. I have lots of other excuses for not writing today. Here they are, in a poem. (See? If I really had writer's block, I wouldn't be writing poetry.)
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Inexpensive Christmas Gift Ideas for ChildrenThese Christmas gifts--all $10 or less, no batteries required--will make the children on Santa's "nice" list smile. Why not plan a fun day with the special children in your life this holiday season? Here are some ideas!
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Powerplay Family Entertainment Center - The Best Voting Location Ever!Powerplay Family Entertainment Center in Shawnee, Kansas, is my voting location. Jealous? You should be!
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M.O.O.C.H. Holds Annual Pre-Halloween Meeting, Discusses "Is it Immoral to Steal Halloween Candy from Your Children?"Mothers of Obnoxious Candy Hoarders (M.O.O.C.H.) met on October 17th in Shawnee, Kansas, to prepare for Halloween.
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Yo! Should You Join "YoVille" on Facebook?YoVille is a fun virtual world, similar to Webkinz, for teens and adults. I have played around in YoVille on Facebook for several months now, and recommend YoVille to other Facebook users.
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Are You Really Ready to Marry a Star Wars Geek?Before you tie the knot with a man who daydreams about lightsaber duels, wears Boba Fett T-shirts, and has a dog named "Salacious Crumb," here are some important things to consider.
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The Short AnswerA spine-tingling tale of love, loss...and unique garage-sale purchases.
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Don't Ever Ask a Skinny Person for Weight Loss Secrets5 things I do that may or may not contribute to my skinny physique, plus a short discussion of how Rhonda Byrne's THE SECRET may help people lose weight.
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Hooray for Store-bought Halloween Costumes!A Halloween poem dedicated to moms like me who don't have the time or the talent to make our children's Halloween costumes.
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The Lonely Christmas TreeWritten by a six-year-old. Too heartwarming not to share!
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Exclusive Interview with Highly-Unacclaimed Romance Novelist, Michelle GreboThis didn't go the way I planned. At least Michelle got to see my hot neighbor almost-naked.
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Ode to a PizzaMr. Cheese has earned a special place in my heart...and stomach.
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School Picture Time--Not Again!School pictures: the cheesy smiles, the bad hair, the zits; the precious, precious memories!
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Sarah "Country First" Palin - You Don't Speak for Me4 non-partisan (not!) poems, in haiku form
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The Condiment Packet ProblemWhat on earth am I going to do with all these condiment packets? Maybe I can contribute some of them to Chris Harne's Condiment Packet Gallery!
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Excerpts from Another Rejected Romance Novel"Katie had always wanted to date a vampire." Eat your heart out, Edward Cullen! D.J. Chattingswallow, Jr. is the new vampire stud in town!
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Caring for Children with Strabismus and Amblyopia: Patch Time Made EasierHow to make sure your child with strabismus and/or amblyopia (lazy eye) wears his/her eye patch as prescribed
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Would Someone Invent These 10 Lifesaving Products, Please?Microscopic, internal food teleporters and more!
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Now"Grown-up" me, home with the kids--another haiku.
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ThenMy childhood, in haiku form.
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CashewsFood cravings, a messy roommate, dull homework, a distinct lack of boyfriends...No wonder nineteen-year-old Rebecca is pondering cannibalism.
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Excerpts from a Rejected Romance Novel"Father Ryan was no ordinary priest." Thus begins Daphne's Sweet Secret, by Michelle Grebo.
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Confessions of a Guitar Hero Rockin' Soccer Mom31-year-old moms CAN rock out on Guitar Hero! Don't be shy, ladies! Admit it--you love this game just as much as I do!
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The Next DayCaroline is still recovering from a bad break-up, and calls her best friend, Emily, in the middle of night.