Stoneskin
I am an eccentric, irritable computer programmer from Sussex. Real ale enthusiast, avid reader.
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- 8/9/2008
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Bsc Computer Science WarwickAffiliations
My Personal Blog, There's nothing worse than...(blog)
Displaying Results 1 - 70 (of 70) for Yahoo! Voices
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Please Do Not Feed the BirdsThe sky is blue, the air is crisp, the sun is falling but the day is bright. My senses feel as sharp as nails... -
The Tale of a Man Who Winked at a GirlFive thugs leaped out of the car, five heavily jeweled gorillas. They laid into him. -
The Nudist BeachNekkid People Loafing About. No photos please.
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Naked and FamousI've heard that everybody wants to be naked and famous. I don't. Neither nakedness nor fame have ever had any appeal to me. And after last night's experience they still don't.
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Lead Zeppelin BladderWe've been here for half an hour. My knees hurt, I'm late for my routine second coffee, I'm absolutely busting for a wee and I really, really need ...
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The Shampoo IncidentYou can't use it, she said, in a subtle yet firm manner. There was no hint of asperity, but a wiser man would have obeyed.
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There is Nothing Worse Than..A few years ago I ran an on-line survey titled "There is nothing worse than...". Here are the best of them...
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Death by Verbiage...the old lady had him in a death grip, and out of her mouth came a relentless barrage of yak.
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Who Farts like that on a Crowded Train?There is nothing worse than a killer fart on a crowded train. Actually, splash back from a urinal minutes before an important meeting is worse, but that's a tale for another day.
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Culinary HooligansWhat sort of culinary hooligan would smash the window of the greatest burger bar in town?
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Conspiracy Theories that Will Blow Your MindJoin me as I unravel some confounding theories.
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Bruised Anal GlandsAt the best of times traveling on our trains is like being charged a tenner for a pint of Guinness and then knocking it over.
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There is Probably No GodWhat pertinacious old poodle dreamt that poster up? If I am not careful it will spoil my pint.
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Nice NipplesA man across the carriage from me is wearing the tightest white shirt I have ever seen...the man is clearly uncomfortable, in exquisite discomfort even, writhing with enough intensity to put Uriah Heep to shame.
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Tempranillo (my Valentine)A love poem to the wine of kings.
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New Year's Resolutions of IndulgenceI was going to title this piece New Year's Non-Resolutions, but that little voice at the back of my head spoke up with remarkable awareness and incisive poignancy... -
The BBC's Subjective Blatherings in the Name of "news"Sipping my pint (a Brakspear bitter if you're interested), and mercilessly beating my wife at backgammon, I was inwardly fuming.
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The Owl GodWe sat at the back, partly because neither of us are Church of England and partly because little baby R was due a change and feed, and more importantly, 10am is her poo time. -
James Bond's Alpha RomeoThe two women were wasting my time. I've always felt very protective of my time, I don't have much of it, and I have no allowance in my schedule for that kind of tomfoolery. Or any kind of tomfoolery.
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Letter from an Anonymous AC MillionaireDear Maria, thank you for your lovely letter, and please accept my humble apologies for taking such a long week to respond. -
A Dear Morag LetterDear Morag, Please accept my humble apologies. I certainly didn't intend to hurt your feelings.
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Pubescent FuryThe three chavs were loitering on the platform opposite, scowling like monkeys. Chavs always scowl like monkeys. In fact, the only time I've seen a chav smile is when leering over page 3 of The Sun.
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I Have a GiftI've always known I have a gift. Throughout my life things have just worked. In my presence babies stop crying, kitchens clean themselves and hamsters produce Oscar-winning performances.
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The UK at a GlanceI don't often comment on the news, but with today's papers containing all sorts of juicy material it would have been a crime not too.
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How to Direct a Hamster Nativity PlayI have read a number of articles recently on making Christmas decorations and scenes, so I've decided to lay out how to direct a nativity play casted by hamsters. -
Latex BifurcationThe old man cyclist was tapping his feet on the platform with the ferocity of a tap-dancing piglet. It was bad enough that my train was canceled. But then to be driven splenetic by an irritating old man. What could be worse?
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Anger Management (alternative Treatment)So here's the question. Would I rather be stuck behind some nitwit doing 25 in a 40 zone, or have a family of frogs stuffed down my pants?
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The Art of Humiliating YourselfIf you're looking of a some excellent ways to humiliate yourself, this is the article for you.
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20 MinutesI made my train, but only just, and I arrived perspiring like a mad horse and busting for a wee. 20 minutes. Time flies so fast when you're having fun.
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Strictly Come PrancingThree cheers to John Sergeant, who quit the show Strictly Come Dancing this week, saying that his performance had been "a joke to far".
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Supermarket HellA busy supermarket mid-day on a Sunday. This is pretty much as bad as it gets. The closest thing to Hell on earth.
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The Squeezebox Boom (an Audiophile's Dream)The Squeezebox Boom is a gorgeous all-in-one network music player with an integrated amplifier. This will make you smile like one of the goons in the Listerine advert. -
Memoirs of a Rubber DuckA low self-esteem is part and parcel of being a rubber duck. Destined to a life of bathroom (or charity shop) living, with the damp, the mould and the unlawful assembly of tacky bath toys.
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Kickass Christmas Ideas for MenIf you're looking for some kickass Christmas gift ideas for male loved ones then here are a few. To be honest, they're on my Xmas list too.
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Wozzagate : Appreciate the Drama and IronyAs the Jonathan Ross/Russel Brand saga unfolds in such spectacular fashion, I appreciate the carnage. Drama and Irony to die for. -
Smoke? You Won't Be Allowed to Foster ChildrenOne of London's councils is planning to implement some new rules on fostering. Redbridge council will be voting on a new smoking policy next week, the intention is to ban smokers from fostering children -
Taxi Drivers Are All CrazyTaxi drivers are all crazy, I've never experienced a sane one. Here are a few stories to illustrate.
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Banks Ostracise Smokers and the ObeseWith the Labour government gaining significant shareholdings in our major banks, what if they abuse this power? -
The Gov' : Ali-G Eat Your Heart OutReclining at a table in the corner, surrounded by women, was the Gov', resplendent in all his glory. The Gov' was a giant of a man, clad in a huge white tracksuit, and wearing more bling than Ali-G on a Saturday night.
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Liberal Press Appeased by Proposed Food Dating SystemFor years there have been rumours of a revision of the food expiry dating system, but now it is finally happening. With the liberal press appeased, nothing can stop the revision process. -
The Granny Disruption Conspiracy : an ExposéAs news stories break out covering the so-called "Granny Disruption Conspiracy", we bring you the first exclusive on this dark, dingy and dangerous organisation of pensioners. -
Halloween Costume Ideas for Unenthusiastic BritsAmericans love Halloween, whereas I hate it. But if you are an unenthusiastic Brit looking for costume ideas you may find these helpful. -
Concealed Weapons in Jackets? I Have Some More IdeasTKMaxx was recently surrounded in controversy after shelving a jacket with a concealed 2.5" knife. I have some more ideas for them. How about some concealed grenades? -
Nipple Cream Sales Soar : Some Blame the Credit CrunchIn recent months nipple cream sales have surged. There are various theories as to why this is. Some have speculated that the credit crunch has spurred the increase in sales, with punters seeing nipple cream as a safe investment.
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The Mother of All Mad Mother-In-Law MonologuesThe lady in the bed next door was being visited by her mother-in-law. As our baby slept, and my wife attempted to sleep, this woman talked and talked. She nearly drove me mad. -
Hamsters Have Remarkable Potential : a Case StudyAfter reading C.B. Jones' article "Squeak: Help Your Hamster Reach It's Full Potential", I decided to put his guide into practice. What intrigued me most was a hamster's potential to advance mentally. What was that potential?
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Jimmy and the Hoover: A Short Illustrative StoryWho doesn't hate hoovers? This short story illustrates exactly what I hate about them.
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Antenatal Classes (it is the Gags that Make Them Great)The antenatal class. It is the gags that make them work. The men were only there for the gags. -
When I was a Little Boy I Wanted to Grow Up and Become a Diabolical "scum of the Earth" LandlordDiabolical "scum of the earth" landlords, don't you just love them? Anyone who is contemplating a career change may find this article helpful. Perhaps you would like to become a diabolical "scum of the earth" landlord?
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'Big Bang' Experiment Starts Well. I'm Not so SureDespite all the doom mongering about black holes, the end of time as we know it, and all that, we're all still here. However I'm a little uneasy. Call me paranoid, but I have noticed some strange things today. -
"We Hate Setanta", England Fans CryEngland fans are furious that Setanta not only have the rights to international games, but there are not even any highlights on terrestrial television. Something has to change. -
How to Irritate Me on the TrainI'm clearly a pleasant, patient type of chap, and certainly not easily irritated. But here are a few ways you can irritate me on the train, should you wish to.
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The Lady in the Green GownOur encounter with the Lady in the Green Gown, goddess of the forest.
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The Pregnant Card is Always TrumpsWhen it comes to seats, or queues, the pregnant card is always trumps. As my eight-month pregnant wife discovered, much to the dismay of some of the other passengers.
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I Hate Bus DriversThe bus driver rolled his eyes and sighed at me as though I was some kind of twit. I hate bus drivers.
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How to Cause Maximum Delays at a Cash PointA short guide to causing delays at a cash point.
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The Owl and the Two ChavsThere they stood. Tall, dark and handsome. Well, not quite. Short, weedy, and scowling like monkeys would be a better description. The two chavs made their way up the platform, swaggering like drunken cowboys.
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The Giant Clunking Bohemian FistThe bohemian group across the room caught my attention. The giant fists of opals, the cigars, the cheroots, the bohemian extravagence. -
Eccentric Commuters, We All Love 'emThe best thing about commuting is the eccentrics. They come out in force. A few stories about the eccentrics on my commute.
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Cafe Du France, a "French" Cafe in Surrey that is Run by PolesThe problem with pedestrianised town centres is charity collectors. Today they're out in force. -
Until We Bleed (DO NOT Try This at Home)A story back from university days. Jimmy didn't play the game again...
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The Definition of Cutting it FineNow this is the definition of cutting it fine.
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Nekkid Room EtiquetteOver dinner the rest of the group asked whether we had experienced the nekkid room. We hadn't.
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Five Things I Hate About ToothpasteI have always disliked toothpaste, but I've never really thought why. Here are a few reasons. I'm sure you could contribute some more. Or am I on my own here? -
Beer, Wine, Coffee and the Goat House in WeymouthThe house was full of goats and the problem was simple, the goats had chewed through the telephone wire....
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The Protocol of LivingOnce again a Friday night demonstrates to me that some people just do not get it. Life has protocol.
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The "Smartest" Paperboy in TownOn my walk to the station I often see the "smartest" paperboy in town. Hmm, yeah, smart, that's right.
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When Ivanhoe Killed My Kiwi FruitYesterday got off to a bad start when I overslept. It was only my wife's alertness (unusual for that time) that saved me. The day got even worse when some schmuck ignored countless free seats in my carriage to take the spot next to me.
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Old Men and Their ShortsEntering the gym I was hit by the beat of the 80s. An old man was rolling around on one of those giant rubber balls. I've never been sure what those things are for, but I'll give him the benefit of the doubt. But what is it with old men and their shorts?
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Lager & Lemonade, With IceEveryone loves a free paper. The other day I was skimming through one of the free papers on the train, acutely aware that the guy across the aisle was reading it over my shoulder and eagerly anticipating the moment when I had finished with it...