Rose A. Valenta
I worked for McGraw-Hill as a technical staff writer for 12 years, am a member of the Society of Newspaper Columnists, the Robert Benchley Society, and the Erma Bombeck Writers' Workshop newsgroup. Many of my articles have been syndicated and appeared in USA TODAY, Newsday, The Courier Post, The Wall Street Journal, and other major publications.
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McGraw-Hill technical editor; Holy Family College, Philadelphia; Delaware TechnicalMotto
"Humor is something that thrives between man's aspirations and his limitations." Victor BorgeAffiliations
Rosie's Renegade Humor Blog
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Displaying Results 1 - 113 (of 113) for All Content
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Limerick to Wearing the GreenSaint Patrick's Day limerick
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1st Annual F Harold Comedy Festival is at the Walnut Street Theater in PhiladelphiaI interviewed Rick Horner, organizer of F Harold -
An Interview with W. Bruce CameronBruce has written How to Remodel a Man, 8 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter, A Dog's Purpose, and Emory's Gift, which is scheduled to be released in September 2011. -
A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Abercrombie and FitchIn the US, fruit cakes have dwindled down to the $2.99 individually shrink-wrapped variety sold in Staples and Office Max stores, so computer geeks won't die of starvation.
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Carla Malden Discusses Her Personal Tragedy in 'Afterimage'Recently, I was delighted to be granted an interview by successful screenwriter, Carla Malden, daughter of the late Academy Award-winning actor, Karl Malden. She has written 'Afterimage: A Brokenhearted Memoir of a Charmed Life.' -
'No Hazmat' Includes Transporting SasquatchHarry's date Matilda earned the nickname "Sasquatch" when she poured her size 22 self into a size 18 ½ brown chenille A-line gown, complete with large gaudy feathered accessories, for the Prom.
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Uncle Harry Backs Mike Huckabee"Right now, I'm debating whether to impose capital punishment on my poinsettias, put my Rosemary on a diet, and/or separate my over-sexed gladiolus bulbs before the flower show."
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Dysfunctional Relationships and Bedlam!So, what happens? Professor Rouse makes us read it out loud to the whole class! I coughed, and my inner voice squeaked "I have to go to the bathroom." It was very similar to a Kathy Bates scene in "Fried Green Tomatoes." -
President Obama's 2012 Race to the SummitA $1 billion political campaign? When you are already at the summit, Mr. President, why do you need to buy mountain climbing equipment? -
Virtual Book Tours: A New Trend in PublishingIf you have been following the trend in publishing, you've noticed that everything is migrating to electronic media. That includes major newspapers, magazines, journals, and books. So, why not a whole book tour?
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Thanksgiving Dinner: 'Whimmy Wham Wham Wozzle!'By dessert time, Harry had already spritzed whipping cream on Dick's nose. Hoping the family dog, Spuds, would attack him. Spuds maintained his cool, drooled over the cheerleaders on the TV, then looked at Dick's nostrils and groaned.
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Thanksgiving Plans - Remember the Titanic!Thanksgiving is fast approaching and everyone is frantically making plans. Although, it has been my experience that the best made plans often end up like the Titanic, seat a few icebergs at the dinner table and you're sunk.
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Is Nancy Pelosi Beating a Dead Donkey?In her recent interview with Diane Sawyer, Pelosi said that she believes Obama is going to win in 2012. I'm not sure how many other people agree with her, but I believe that he has as much chance at winning that election as Monty Paulsen.
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Philadelphia Local 22 IAFF President Bill Gault Speaks Out Against 'Rolling Brownouts'Philadelphia Local 22 IAFF President Speaks Out Against 'Rolling Brownouts.'
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Philadelphia's 'Rolling Brownouts' Save Money, Cause PanicTo save $3.8 million, Nutter created "rolling brownouts," which closes some city fire stations during certain hours of the day. This strategy caused a panic in South Philadelphia, where three fire stations are scheduled to be closed during the day and three others at night.Also published on:
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How We Plan to Spend a Stress Free July 4th WeekendHumor: A few minutes later, not quite sure that my remark could be miscontrued as sexual harassment, I glanced in my rear-view mirror checking for troopers.
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Chocolate EcstasyHumor: This morning, I was craving chocolate milk. Not the 1, 2, or 4 percent variety, but the real deal with all the fat from the cow mixed in with lots of chocolate syrup.
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The Little Yellow HouseHumor: Solitude before tourist season
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Father's Day Gift - 'Sitting on Cold Porcelain'Humor: "hilarious!!!!! A fun and easy read that puts politics into perspective. A great Father's Day gift for any political junkie!!"
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Corn Truffles Anyone?Humor: On a caza de brujas (witch hunt): "Are you a witch? How long have you been in the snare of the huitlacoche? Confess!" -
The Inside Scoop on the Erma Bombeck Writers' Workshop 2010Humor: After Homeland Security took Bird apart and he passed inspection and they gave Wanda a mammogram, both of them arrived safely in Ohio and took a taxi to the Dayton Marriott. -
Tampa Bay Fans Cheer Monkey on the LamHumor: Some think that the rhesus macaque monkey, who has been terrorizing the Tampa Bay area for over a year, is even cuter than Evan Longoria. The nameless mascot even has his own fan club on Facebook.
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Saving California: The Secret is in the BrowniesHumor: Folks near Joshua Tree National Park are hoping the State makes Cannabis its National Tree. They will introduce a forest mascot soon.
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Health Care Reform: Is There an IT Environment?Humor: Should I just say "To heck with it!" and marry my daughter off to the rich Chinese business man with the assurance that he will provide her with more security than the rich doctor, who won't be getting paid anymore?
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The Dysfunctional Dinner PartyHumor: Margaret is a retired country club groupie, who once thought Bernard Madoff was the sexiest thing since Aristotle Onasis; and Dwight used to stuff shirts for a living - a match spawned from a summer remake of "Les Miserables."
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Manhattan Madam Kristin Davis Runs for Governor of NYHumor: Trojan stock prices jumped 4% yesterday to $67.45 on word of Ms. Davis'candidacy.
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Ryanair Passenger Eats $15,000 Scratch Card in Lieu of Airline FoodHumor: The Captain threw on the autopilot instructing the co-pilot to take care of the dead bugs and pelican greeting on the windshield, as they were also irritating him.
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Understanding Both Sides: Objective Reporting is a Good ThingHumor: "You'll be wasting your money. What are you going to do, call Ralph the ambulance chaser to take your case? He lost the last one, trying to get $50,000 for the unlawful death of Annie's flat cat that was playing out on Interstate 95." -
American Politics Can Cause Diverticulitis in SeniorsHumor: "I like to hit the newspaper with a bingo highlighter," he said. "The ones with the orange dots should have gone to school to learn how to train killer whales, instead of majoring in political science."
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Glenn Beck's Chalkboard Gets Standing Ovation at CPAC 2010Humor: It makes a statement when people are so exasperated and frustrated with politics and the economy that they treat a chalkboard as if it should have its own footprint out in front of Grauman's Chinese Theatre.
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Tea Bags Bridge the Generation GapHumor: "If you say one more thing to me about teabaggers, I'm going to have to hurt you."
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Tiger: IJustMadeLove.Com And that Sentimental JourneyHumor: Ray was having issues with being identified as just a dowser. He has, after all, been Tiger's mentor, confidant, and conscience all along.
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Granny: "Say Hello to My Little Friend"Humor: Granny packs a wallop!
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Beppe Bignazzi : "Garfield is on My Fork"Humor: Yesterday, Bizarre Foods producers got a resume from Beppe Bignazzi, the host of an Italian cooking show called La Prova del cuoco (the test of the chef).
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Arrogant American Need Not ApplyIs there a loophole in our Federal job discrimination laws for "arrogant American"?
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Biden and Cheney's Hissy FitsHumor: In the famous words of Will Rogers "Never miss a good chance to shut up."
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Abusive Relationships: Early Warning SignsHumor: The Fruitcake Lady appeared to me in a dream the other night and helped me out with the early warning signs. You remember her from the old Jay Leno show. She said "When you spot 'em, run like hell." -
Government Spending: Pork, Snake, and Dung BeetleHumor: When they are done with that, they can bring in the scavengers like "dung beetle spending." That's when all the tax payer's budgets have been bitten to death by "snake spending" and the only thing left in our Capital One wallets is dung.
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A Valentine's Day Gift from JennyHumor: It all started when a UFO from the Planet Tequila landed along the Appalachian Trail last Father's Day weekend. It held him hostage for four days...
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Super Bowl 44 - Will We Survive Snowmageddon?Humor: Snowmageddon is upon us like "The Day After Tomorrow." We live in a ghost town. Our power is flickering and the parrot keeps screeching "Who Dat?"
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The Only Monkeys at the NASA Wallops Island Flight Facility Were PETA'sHumor: "Hey, do any of you morons know Napoleon?"
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Jobless? Become a Five-Minute Bed WarmerHumor: While President Barack Obama urged Congress to come up with new job policies and strategies to lower the unemployment rate here in the U.S., the Holiday Inn in Great Britain has found a rather unique solution - human bed warmers. -
Super Bowl 44 - Who Owns 'Who Dat?'Humor: You would think that the chant "who Dat?" is in the public domain, and not owned by anyone in particular, anymore than "kiss my grits" is owned by Flo the waitress at Mel's diner, or "Go Ahead Make my Day" is owned by Harry Callahan.
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Punxsutawney Phil's 'Kiss Off!' Memo to PETAHumor: In the famous words of Yosemite Sam ""Ya better say yer prayers, ya flea-bitten varmaints, I'm a-gonna blow ya to smithereenies!"
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State of the Union 2010 - Congressional AngstHumor: This is basic stuff. What they teach you in Management 101, the "See Spot Run" of making things work, widget school; where piglet couldn't survive without poohsticks.
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Obama's Big Mo: Swelling Past the Jetties?Humor: What are the primary obstacles that reduced the Big Kahuna's momentum into a swell and made him ask himself "Hey, who moved my Fontina?"
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MAVINS: Mothers Against V-Chip NewsHumor: My son wrote an entire Dissertation on "Cheating and Sexual Mating Behaviors of Public Figures Based on Income and Risk" for his friends, while still in middle school.
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Chincoteague Island: Pirate Treasure and Sunken Spanish GalleonsLegend has it that if you are in Chincoteague and go over the channel bridge to Assateague beach after a Nor'-Easter, you might see Captain Bob and actually find some silver and pieces of eight washed up on shore.
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Sitting on Cold PorcelainHumor: This is not a sneak preview of a Super Bowl 44 prize-winning GEICO caveman commercial. Some people call it Murphy's Law every time things go wrong. I call it "sitting on cold porcelain."
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Scott Brown: A Republican Senator with Abs You Can Trust?Humor: Scott now signs his name "Scott 41." No, that is not the total number of beers he can consume while still standing, but the total number of senators it takes to change a light bulb and sustain a filibuster.
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You Will Never Run Out of Humor Material When the Kids Grow UpHumor: The urge to write never subsided and I still wrote humor pieces in the bathroom like Portnoy, mostly to my friends.
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How to Advertise Products for the Amazon KindleHumor: What to do when you have a Kindle formatted product that gets lost in the crowd.
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'Skull and Bones' Sued for Geronimo's PatellaHumor: Apparently, the number 322 represents the death of Greek statesman and orator, Demosthenes (384-322), of ancient Athens, who took the Goddess Eulogia into the heavens. How he did this is anyone's guess, but she kept uttering "Oh God!"
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Celebrating the Merry Men of MANuaryHumor: It's OK to give a guy a box of candy during MANuary, but in lieu of flowers, they prefer that twins Iris and Daisy jump out of a cake during the grand finale gala celebration on January 31st.
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Infamous Nigerian Scam Artist IdentifiedHumor: In Nigeria, police have detained a goat that is a bovid of interest, in sending Nigerian Scam letters via e-mail to people, promising to send millions of dollars to the victim's bank account, in exchange for PIN and social security numbers.
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Why President Obama Encourages Women to Return to SchoolHumor: A friend suggested that if I wanted a better job than cleaning stables, plucking chickens, or joining the illegal alien crop picking crew, I needed to head north to a metro area. So, I went to the job interview in Center City Philadelphia.
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Political Rhetoric - 'Coming Together' or 'Pulling Together?Humor: What's up with this "coming together" business anyway, can't you just visualize a whole auditorium of people practicing Kegel exercises, saying "YES!"?
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Large Hadron Collider: Aurora Over Switzerland?Humor: The new phenomenon will probably not be called Aurora Borealis, which in Latin means "the dawn of the north", but I'm not sure if scientists have the kahones to call it what it is "Aurora Illigitimi Carbarundum."
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Macaroni Reaches a Rolling Boil on Wall StreetHumor: I ran into our local Moloch doctor, Mrs. Giordano, coming out of Fante's. She still likes to buy expensive coffee beans, but chintzes on the antipasto.
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Gang Tours - Not the Amish Farms of PAHumor: Earlier this week, "Fox and Friends" Brian Kilmeade, Steve Doocy, and Gretchen Carlson presented a story about LA Gang Tours, where along with the purchase of a tour ticket you also have to sign a release form in case the bus is attacked.
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Rush Limbaugh Puts His Foot in His MouthHumor: I can see it all now in our history books, "The trials and tribulations of Benedict Arnold and Rush Limbaugh - The Shoot Out."
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Pat Robertson Urges Haitians to Move to Virginia BeachHumor: Some are saying that if it were not for the devil, our President pro tempore would be lucid and our budget would have a surplus. They blame the previous devil in the Oval Office and Jesse Jackson for the current state of the economy.
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Potholes as Fine Art in Great BritainHumor: People were actually ruining their tires on something resembling a Krispy Kreme.
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Real Cops: The RookieHumor: The Walter Mitty of the Police Department.
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Harry Reid Gaffe Omits South Philadelphia and Joisey DialectsHumor: Rocky Balboa wanted to know if Reid was implying that light skinned Italians from South Philadelphia and Joisey were qualified to run for President, if they curb their dialects.
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Giuliani's Gaffe Could Qualify for Political Darwin AwardHumor: The folks over at the Darwin Awards are considering opening a new award category for politicians, "who do a service to taxpayers by removing themselves from the political arena in a sublimely idiotic fashion."
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How Congress Failed Homeland Security DutiesHumor: What was the 111th Congress thinking?
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Was the Mona Lisa Suffering from High Cholesterol?Humor: Italian medical experts claim that the Mona Lisa had high cholestrol.
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Higgs Boson and the G-SpotHumor: CNN says there is no G-Spot.
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911 Dispatcher Records Drug DealHumor: Police dispatcher eavesdrops on drug deal between supplier and dealer.
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Bulletproof Fashion - Protecting Life in the HoodHumor: I think I'll go to Caballero's and buy my friend, Teresa Russo, a nice blazer to match her combat boots, so she can shop safely at the Italian Market in South Philadelphia.
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Happy New Year 2010!Humor: The top 10 resolutions you'll love to break.
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New Year 2010: Arrivederci and a ShredderHumor: While the Times Square Alliance set up an industrial shredder for 'Good Riddance Day,' the Community of South Philadelphia set one up out in front of Mama Mia's at the Italian Market.
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Winter Solstice: Hunkering Down in PhiladelphiaHumor: Snowmen and snow angels were outside everywhere. So were hordes of snowballs, stock piled in strategic places near intersections, destined to be tossed during rush hour traffic if schools closed again. Perish the thought.
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The Day After Christmas - Bah-Humbug!Humor: The morning after the night before.
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First Offenders Getting Nuttin' for ChristmasHumor: Do repetitious Christmas Carols have an impact on crime?
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'Bud & BBQ' and the Blind DateHumor: How romantic is the "Bud & BBQ" commercial?
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'People that Haven't Slept with Tiger Woods' is on FacebookHumor: Members must post on the wall testifying to their credibility.
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'People that Haven't Slept with Tiger Woods' is on FacebookHumor: You can join only if you have a Facebook account and meet the above criteria.
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Wall Street Journal - Mortgage Servicers, Scrooge or Santa?Mortgage servicers and foreclosure attorneys are putting off evections and scheduled notices until after the holidays
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'At Least in the City Someone Would Hear Me Scream' an Interview with Wade RouseWade is a journalist and essayist whose articles have appeared in numerous regional and national publications. -
Avatar: Did Captain Nemo's Giant Narwhal Pee in the Tank?Humor: The midnight opening of Avatar
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The Grinch of NipomoHumor: Would Jim Carrey make an annimated digital 3D movie about Ron Lake?
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Hilarious Read: 'Rebel Without a Minivan' by Tracy BeckermanThe book describes Tracy's transitional life from career person to parenthood, and you will absolutely love the stories!
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FDR: Did He Really Send a Navy Destroyer to Pickup Fala?Humor: It didn't happen overnight. It has taken decades to sink our economic ship. What was the first leak in the bilge?
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Who Moved My Mascarpone?Humor: Shopping at the South Philadelphia Italian Market
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Breaking the Sound BarrierHumor: What does Captain Charles "Chuck" Yeager and a married couple from Gateshead, England, have in common?
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'Manger Chic' Fashion for Christmas 2009Humor: Up-scale department stores like Debenhams of London, have reported that parents are spending upwards of $200 for formal nativity play attire.
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Facebook's Mafia Wars is Giving Seniors an EdgeHumor: My 85-year-old Aunt Ida is picking up old guys, has a Facebook account, and is the boss of her own crime family in Facebook's Mafia Wars.
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President's Day 2010 StimulusIt would stimulate our economy to have two President's Day sales in February, and if all applicable institutions were closed on both February 12th and 22nd, employees and students would be out spending more money on millions of consumer products.
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Latino Book Award Blockbuster 'America Libre'"America Libre" is the best dramatic fiction that book sellers have to offer you this season; and with the economy stifling other expensive leisure activity, you deserve a good read. It is also available at Amazon in the Kindle Edition.
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Glenn Beck: Of Cow Poo and JewelryHumor: The United States and India do a high percentage of trade. Our elected officials often have a big problem understanding the mechanics, while discussing expensive stimulus solutions.
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Pitbulls Don't Always BiteHumor: Pitbull misbehaves at the hairdresser.
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Halloween: The Legendary Jersey Devil Strikes AgainHumor: The famous Jersey Devil gets blamed for mischief night pranks.
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'Frosty the Inappropriate Snowman' or Mushroom Syndrome?No, Virginia, I hate to break this to you, but CBS lies, the concepts are false. Snowmen can't dance. They have no rhythm. They just stand there and succumb to the elements. Viagra won't help.
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'A Christmas Carol' JunkieHumor: A mother/daughter outing to see the new digital 3D Disney movie, 'A Christmas Carol.'
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Who is 'The Revolutionary Minuteman'?Apparently, according to news reports, Pat the Patriot answered a naughty ad on Craigslist, which was placed by a Rhode Island policeman.
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Red Stop Sign Literature: ROFLMAO with the Kindle EditionHumor: What happens when you are at work and huge red stop sign comes up on your screen that reads "NOT ALLOWED"?
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Perils of Having Thanksgiving House GuestsThanksgiving dinner got off to a good start. Just before dinner, my son-in-law hit his head on an heirloom sconce in the dining room; it crashed. This was before the beer and wine were served.
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Football and the Elusive Common Sense ParticleScientists have released a brain study that was conducted on monkeys, hoping to find out what makes us humans tick.
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Thanksgiving Plans - Remember the Titanic!Thanksgiving is fast approaching and everyone is frantically making plans. Although, it has been my experience that the best made plans often end up like the Titanic, seat a few icebergs at the dinner table and you're sunk.
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Preparing for Black Friday MadnessHumor: Black Friday and Cyber Monday are the days everyone in my family stays away from the shopping Malls, clogged traffic arteries, and shopping cart demolition derbys.
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Interview with Humorist Wanda Argersinger, Executive Director for the Lupus Support NetworkIn addition to being a humor writer, Wanda is the Executive Director for The Lupus Support Network. Clinical trial results for Benlysta in the treatment for lupus are announced on Novebmer 2, 2009.
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Pure Decadence!Why not have a banana split for dinner?
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Aunt Millie's Opinion on Britain's Got TalentHumor: Another perspective on the British talent show.
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New Uses for Surplus Cow DungHumor: There is between 1.5 and 2 trillion pounds of unclaimed cow manure lying about the US.
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Bottled Water - the Evolution of H2OHumor: A baby boomer's perspective on bottled water.
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3,000 Golf Balls Found in California National ParkHumor: A guy in Riverside, CA, was arrested recently for dumping 3,000 golf balls into Joshua Tree National Park.
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Uncovering Prawo Jazdy - Ireland's 'Scarlet Pimpernel'Who is the scofflaw terrorizing Ireland?
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Is Dayton the Boondocks of Ohio?Every other year, I go out to Ohio, to attend the Erma Bombeck Workshop at the University of Dayton. I'm still trying to figure out how to get there from here.
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Cheerios Ahoy! History of the Popular Breakfst CerealHumor: How to use Cheerios for potty training.
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How to Write Comprehensive Audit-Compliant Desktop ProceduresThis is a "how to" guide for managers or subject matter experts on writing desktop procedures for computer applications that are supported by help desk or data center operations. It also keeps documents compliant with government regulations.
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An Interview with Mystery Writer Gayle CarlineI interviewed mystery writer Gayle Carline for my blog.
