Kyle Gorbski

First, I would like to state that I do not enjoy writing my own biography. Everything would be biased towards my point of view. Please be aware of that fact as you are reading.

I am a hot stud who gives half of his paycheck away to the local animal shelter. I have been on the cover of countless magazines, all under different names so as to cover my tracks. My good deeds have been heard and felt around the world. I was a part of the team who helped end the Iran Hostage Crisis. I am the greatest man in the world. I once had an awkward moment, just to see what it felt like. I have a Silver Congressional Medal, won three Purple Hearts, two Super Bowl Rings, and a Peabody Award in Photo-journalism for my exquisite piece on the gambling habits of Arctic Seals.

My looks are unparalleled. My teeth are used to reflect UV rays for targeted tanning, as a side job. My face can make a mirror melt. I am so good at exercising that I can imagine the workout to tone my muscles. Ralph Lauren and Gap both rejected me to model as I was overqualified for the job. The very stare from my eyes makes flowers grow. Every time I step outside, the sun dims to provide a more alluring lighting for me. Six religious organizations have been started in my honor and glory, and the stained-glass windows in my likeness have been known to cause uncontrollable orgasms in women, men to drop to their knees crying in joy, dogs to hump the nearest straight object and birds hover to admire the picture before slamming headfirst into the glass.

I cannot guarantee that you will gather anything relevant from my biography, but since it's mine, I will write it how I see fit.